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Sep. 18th, 2008 @ 08:34 pm I still love sleeping
Current Location: Blahdom
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: I forgot.
Mmmm. I haven't posted here in a looooooong time. Since before my coop.

I suppose the only new thing is I'm in shape. My daddy beat all the laziness out of me with a burning stick of harassment.
Oh, and I got a bunny. He is a Red New Zeland (the size of a cat with red brown fur and regular ears) his name is Loki and I love him. I built him a hutch mostly all by myself (My dad helped me a little)
I went to the Alagash again, and it was fun even though it rained the whole time. I love the woods, but I don't like a severe lack of modern conveniences. It smelled very good up there. Cedar. And there were mushrooms in every color. It made me want to look for gnomes.

Sigh. I would post something insightful or whatever, but I'm not in the mood.
I may just be sleepy. I'm finally back in school mode, and hopefully I will not be overcome with waisting laziness. There really is hope.

Only in our dreams does everything make sense. Especially when it doesn't
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Dec. 10th, 2007 @ 01:14 am I love sleeping...
Current Location: pillow
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: a mass of some sort
I think martyrs should count as suicides.
And organized religion makes me ill...
AND the science channel is awesome.
I saw the best explanation for general relativity I have ever seen on it the other day...

Sometimes I just wish reality wasn't so subjective. And some times I wish it was more subjective.
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Oct. 30th, 2007 @ 05:39 pm God, why do life decisions always have to be so HARD
Current Mood: anxious
So, I was all set to just go to draper (where my dad works). I got an interview somewhere else and my coop advisor tells me to go, and I say, okay, it'll be good practice. So I go, and its an okay job, and the interview goes well, so I feel really go about myself, but you know, draper is cool and my dad's there, and I think I will enjoy it more. They say we'll get back to you in like a week, and I'm like good, then I can just say I got a job else where. Then they decide to call me back TWO HOURS LATER and offer me 18 DOLLARS and hour. And thats like, two dollars more than draper. And so now I feel gut wrenching awful and its SO unfair. Why couldn't it just have been easy? I'm good, I know, but I'm not THAT good. And It would be really nice to be that wanted if it wasn't making my life SO HARD. My dad didn't help either. He was like "I think it will be a good job, but you know, it might not, but it probably will, 18 dollars, really? Well, just tell them you need to think about it." SO NOT HELPFUL. I don't WANT to think about it. I just want it to be easy and obvious. Then my dads all like "you could always work at a grocery store, no hard decisions there" and I think, yeah, like that makes me feel better. Its not the career choice, its the damn place. Where will I be happy is not just logic. Logic is so damned EASY. NOOO I have to worry about where I'll be HAPPIER. damn damn damn (why the hell is damn spelt with an n) damn...

*cries and cries and cries*

God, I can't take these emotional flip flops, first I suck too much, now I suck too little.  And I still feel shitty about failing exams. GRRRRR.

Emotions are HARD.
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Oct. 29th, 2007 @ 07:57 pm Yay! I feel like posting...
Current Mood: clever
So, midterms sucked. They were the worst I've ever had to take, it was awful awful awful.
Because I failed two of them.
And they were the IMPORTANT ones.
God. I. Hate. Failing.
and C's aren't my forte either. But at least I can work with that. But god, 50. on a MIDTERM
Sucks much.

I keep telling myself it will be okay, and my grades will recover, but geez, why is it so HARD. Its SCHOOL. I have better things to agonize over.
Like my place in the universe and what not.
I really don't need to wonder if I chose the wrong major. I LOVE the applied classes. The circuits lab, I mean. And I liked working at Massa.
I really don't know how to handle failing like this.

Anyway, enough whining. I realize its not that bad, but god, just thinking that makes me feel ill. Its almost easier to be panicked about it.

I also cam up with a new theory on the universe. Its even weirder than my big bubble of consciousness. Although I'm not giving up on that one just yet either.

 

Ever wonder if life, existence, everything is just a car we forgot how to steer?

I do.

Who says I’m not a god?

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cute mermaid
Sep. 30th, 2007 @ 01:49 pm Flat land the movie...
http://www.flatlandthemovie.com/?gclid=CJqr68nP644CFQ8agQodCgxaLg
(sorry, you have to go to the sight to watch the trailer)
Its so conceptually cool, but, but... THEY'RE SQUARES!

GET TO YOUR SQUARICLE!
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Sep. 28th, 2007 @ 01:35 pm I no longer have any regrets...
Current Mood: alive
Ah, life is such a beautiful thing.

Every dream is just a glimps into a possible future.
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Sep. 27th, 2007 @ 10:28 pm Is there such a thing as a healthy adversion to society?
Current Location: somewhere...
Current Mood: Truely Happy (& a bit sleepy)
I can't help but wonder if the reason I constantly feel uncomfortable in a strictly social setting is because I'm secretly hurting beyond understanding. I mean, I don't really feel "lonely". I feel like I could be missing something, but only because most other people seem to like it and crave it so much. It is, after all, natural instinct. I feel quite content getting human contact through more indirect and isolated means. Chorus, books, anime, Drew, my sisters, and my two friends. Two. One of them is really Drew's friend anyway. Maybe two and a half.  I have a sickening feeling that there is a deep imbeded reason why I max out at two people (besides my sisters and occasionally more extended members of my family and pseudo families). Not sickening with certainty, but with worry. Worry that it might be a problem.

Generally speaking I think I am quite happy. I just... worry. Is their such a thing as a healthy adversion to social contact? I mean, I look at people and I just don't care. I have no interest in talking to them unless it will be productive (like, needed information... even then its slightly painful). I'll talk back, be civil and friendly, but unless they ask for it, I'll just leave after. It's always kind of been like that. I don't know if its fear of rejection or just self sufficiently. I know it started as fear of rejection, but have I lost the need? Am I like a social vegetarian, so not used to engaging in purely social relations that I can no longer stomach them? If that was the case, I would be quite content to stay that way. I can handle professional interactions, I rather enjoy them a lot.

I get comfort from the fact that my dad is a little like that. He absolutly abhors the thought of  something like a party. And my dad is about as sane as it gets. Sort of. (He's something of an adrenaline juncky, but he's the healthiest forty-something I've ever met)

Ah well. Such is life. I just hope it dosen't crash down on me in some cosmic meltdown. I really can't see it happeneing, which is why I'm afraid it might, if that makes any sence.

In other news, I've been riding the high of realizing that being human is being able to do anything ever. The only thing that could ever limit us is our own imagination and our conviction. Its not that we can't, but that we don't want to. I could fly out of my chair right now and turn the sky into a bowl of chocolate pudding, I'm quite certain, but the effort and time it would have taken to figure out how to do it simply would not have been worth it. So I don't really want to. We can do anything so long as we are willing to pay for it. That is our only limit. Other than not realizing this.,  but that's just tragic.

In summation, I will state the only thought I have ever had that I never had any doubt was true:

We are, in and of ourselves, all we will ever know and all that it is possible to be
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Sep. 25th, 2007 @ 05:23 pm So... Dungens and Dragons...
Current Location: school
Current Mood: a little high on painkillers
Current Music: Opening theme to D Grey man

Well, I've played it, and I enjoyed it. Its a fun game. Such is life.

My face hurts. I had to have wisdom teeth out.

I finally got around to reading Atlas Shrugged. I recommend everyone in the world to read it. Its good for your soul.

I miss seeing most of you Scituate people, especially the people I'd known forever (like, from grade school). I hope you're well. I know I never really "Hung out" with any one except like Kitty and Jamie, but I never really had the stomach for maintaining hard to maintain friendships. To hard for me, I guess, because being lonely is a lot less painful. But, I consider you all friends, and I hope you consider me the same. I always enjoyed being with the drama and music and debate crowds, because I was fairly comfortable with you guys in the more organized setting. Have fun all!

My second trip to Italy was slightly less glittery than the first. The food was still wonderful, and Siena was great. There's the most fantastic Cathedral there, but for Christ sake, they charge ADMISSION!!! Cheep skates. I also am having an affair with the boots I got their. They're the best boots ever made ever and I love them. We did not go to any huge ancient temples, and I realized that that was prolly my favorite part about Italy. I like ruins. We saw a lot more of Umbria and Tuscany, but I was sadly deprived of sea food. Oh how I miss vongole (special Italian clams, mmmmmm they actually have those in Umbria). Rome had more seafood, but we had a yucky hotel. Anyway, the Medieval towns in central Italy have their cool parts, but mostly their just kind of decrepit feeling. One cool thing was this extremely tiny Torture museum. It was very creepy... And it was weird, we just kind of got to walk in and look. It could have been someone's house, and there were these old ladies playing cards or something out side. I left a coin for them after I say it because it was a good museum. *shudder*

My favorite part was when I was at this ruined Theater. It was really pretty, and it had all the great echoes of a ruin, and I had the best outfit on. I know it sounds a little shallow, but I was dressed in this outfit with my floppy hat and my black lace parasol and dark clothing and I had this bright red shopping bag. People kept taking pictures saying how I looked like and impressionist painting. I felt like one too, which was the cool part. It was very romantic. I also had had an amazing spaghetti con Tartufo (truffles, the mushroom kind) for lunch. It was the same place as the gross Medieval town and the torture museum. It was a good day.

Dave's (Drew’s brother in law) parents were the thing that made the trip not so good. They were such ugly Americans, and they made Dawn and Dave and Donny (Drew's sister, husband and Drew's dad) all grumpy. They made me and Drew grumpy too. And I wished Carol had been there, but, for once, she was not (she had to take care of I-Ching, the Chinese lady who lives at Drew's)

Ah well, it was still good. I got really fabulous boots and a great Venetian Mask. I love Venetian masks and glass. I hope I get to go there next time.

Other good news, I got into the Chambers Choir (its like the Select Choir) and I'm very proud of myself. I'm at a complete loss for what else to do though, because I don't really like the drama club here and I miss performing. Grrr. I miss it more and more, so that voice lessons are like a drug or something to stave off complete listlessness and despair. Grrr. And I am really nervous about just going and auditioning for something professional. I'm not good enough at auditioning yet and the thought terrifies me. It doesn’t help that I don't know how to go about it either, so I can't just grit my teeth and do it. Hopefully I'll get more confidence later. GRRRRRRR.

Oh, maybe after I'm done with my current voice teacher, I'll take lessons at the conservatory. hmmm (evil plot forming)

Hope is restored!

I really like linguistics. I almost want to minor in it, but I can't think of a practical reason.

I asked Dr Ekstrom if I could use him as a reference, and he sent my this glowing e-mail. It made me feel better about myself.


Ranting always makes it better when you are determined not to lie to yourself.

 

 

About this Entry
cute mermaid
Jul. 12th, 2007 @ 04:33 pm I feel obligated to post. I hate nostalgia.
Current Location: work (after hours)
Current Mood: Hormonal
Current Music: Whatever happens to run through my head
Somethings that I love:
Sleeping
Singing
Drew

Somethings that make me sad:
Memories of broken friendships
Nostalgia
Shame/worry

Somethings that make me happy:
Drew
Singning
Being right

Somethings that I hate:
Stupidity
Falure
Nostalgia


Life would be a dream...
About this Entry
cute mermaid
May. 15th, 2007 @ 04:47 pm In responce to Colin
Current Location: My birthday is tomorrow!
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: ari conditioning

Point one: you should not group blackness illegality and wrongness into one group. They are dynamically different (see end).

Is it wrong to kill babies for fun, or is it wrong to have fun killing babies, or is it just wrong to kill your babies, or babies of your own species. Why is it wrong? Because you’re killing babies? Or because you’re doing it for fun?

If you make a statement such as “It is wrong to kill babies for fun” without specifying when or where or what part of the statement is most important, it is of course true, due to the undeniable probability that there is an instance when it is true. Such as in the context of an evangelist Christian. Something becomes “different from person to person” only because the circumstances of that person are different. It has nothing to do with the actual person beyond the implications of their personality (i.e. a selfish person vs. a selfless person). There is a finite answer for each person in any situation. When we say something is an accepted truth, it only means enough people have the same answer that we call it one. So yes, there is a definitive right and wrong, but it is determined not “yes or no” but by “yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes no no no no no no no no no no no no” combinations. Kind of like computers and hex.

Ah belief. Belief is neither true nor false. Its only a guess, which, because it is believed, cannot be proven. Rest assured that until that happens, your beliefs are quite safe, if very secure(or solid). Frankly, the less disprovable a belief, the more faith you can safely put into it.

Truth is completely elusive to the human mind (at present). Therefore, the truth, if it exists, that you are asserting, cannot be know. What can be know is very very high probability’s. But that’s much to static a statement for morals. Morals have nearly no concrete basis except for human instinct (emotional (i.e. cognitive) and physical).

Now we get into insanity. For the sake of clarity, sanity is the ability to relate effectively to the physical (and in some cases social, which is decidedly emotional but still relatively stagnant when compared to the individual) world around said person. Now, an insane person does not relate effectively, but in the nature that they do, their answer is in fact correct. Just not useful to anyone but them, and in many cases, not even them. The problem with the example you gave is that the reason for said belief W is not defined. Caroline will have reason Wo, but Suzy will have reason Z. Wo would be the effective reason, the one derived from observation that is perceived by others to be correct, and proves effective, where Z would be the one derived from her insanity (which inhibits the ability to make accurate observations, but in the context of Suzy’s mind would be quite accurate, other wise she would not have come to said conclusion (this is based off of my perception of human nature, which has yet to be disproved despite constant effort)). If ~P is W, then Suzy, in relation to her mind (I), is correct, but Suzy, in relation to the acknowledged physical world (R), is obviously incorrect. When there is no physical basis (R), such as in the case of morals, beyond social or emotional concreteness, then Suzy and Caroline both become correct, because Caroline has only I to go on as well. The validity of their minds in relation to R makes Caroline’s belief more plausible, but Caroline could simply have an insanity(or belief) that does not affect her relation to R, such as a religion.

The argument needs to operate under the premises that P related to the argument. Otherwise the logic is akin to believing the world is actually nothing at all because I cant prove it is something.

Lets say “perceived truth” or “truth” is something that can be agreed upon by sane people to be true. The Laws of physics are a truth. Things like the laws of physics have a primarily R factor. If their I factor should exceed their R factor, they can no longer be called a truth. Every statement has an I and an R factor. If R exceeds I, a perceived truth can be established to the degree that R>I. If I is greater than R, no truth can be established.

Morals have a very small R factor and a very large I factor.

The statement that “not true” is the same as “false” is flawed. In order to be either true or false it must be proved or disproved, respectively. Morals cannot be disproved any more than they can be proved, there for they are neither. In the case where a moral has an R factor, such as in the presence of a police man, Morals now can be called truths, and can be proven or disproved. Killing babies for fun in front of a police man is wrong and false because you are now going to die, which is bad unless you’re insane. But killing babies for fun when you cannot be caught has no R factor, and is then dependent upon I factor, which is neither true not false in the real world, only the psychological. The psychological world is determined by the individual. That the individual often defines the I world based on information from the R world does not mean that I with an R derivative is more truth than and I without, it just makes it more likely to have and R factor when normal circumstances are given. It is rare that there is a situation where all R is removed, and thus it is rare when the I world has no relation to the R world.

Illegality is R+I, moral is I and black is a color I am rather fond of.

To reiterate, Morals are only good or bad (i.e. factual) when they have consequences. There is your grey-looking-but-actually-not-grey area.

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cute mermaid
May. 15th, 2007 @ 07:31 am Blah. I'm working at a sonar company.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: irish music

How utterly perfect is life? It simply amazes me. I am well aware of how terrible to woes of some are, and how utterly miserable some people manage to become, but that is not what I speak of, and it hardly matters to me. I mean life. You can look at the complexity of a transducer and marvel at the cleverness of humanity to make such a device, but when you compare it to even the human ear, let alone those of more audio percept creatures, they are so utterly inferior. A well made transducer can hope to survive for about 20 years at most, maybe 25 if there is a fluke. The human ear lasts for 50 before it deteriorates significantly, and can function for over 100. It also has perfect effectiveness for a range of about 40 kherz, it can also determine direction and loudness. And its small enough to fit in your head. Granted, the ear doesn’t emit sound, but we have our superbly versatile vocal chords and lungs for that. There are limitations, but these pale in the face of the realization that we evolved this way. Naturally. Such a realization makes one question how that is even possible for random natural selection to create this. And that’s just our ears. Our brain is a supercomputer that can go for a century before breaking. Our heart is the ultimate hydro pump, again which can last up to a century. Moreover, they are self repairing.

            This phenomenally impossible perfection is not just limited to humans. Trees economically and efficiently capture solar energy to create life. The do it so well that they have enough to spare for the rest of the world to feed off of. But they’re not just a super cool solar panel, they filter the air and build sturdy structures from dirt, they even shape the face of the planet.  Life, as we see and breath and are it, is utterly impossible, statistically speaking. It’s microscopic and macroscopic, it’s dynamic to dizzying amounts, and its so outrageously durable. Life will survive nearly anything we can do to it short of emptying it into the vacuum of space, and it may even be able to survive that. What even more amazing is that life can feed off of and support nearly any other sort of life.

            I honestly don’t think I can believe in evolution to the point where I can use it as evidence against religion. We have vague implications that life can evolve and change, and there are undeniable similarities between past life and now life, as well as other forms of life, but its to perfect and functional for randomness to account for, at least not unquestionably.

            On second thought, maybe I can, but it still does not make it any less impossibly amazing.

About this Entry
cute mermaid
Mar. 10th, 2007 @ 09:40 pm Anyone want to ride my horses?
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Sonic Adventure 2

So, I lived today.

It’s no exaggeration... Sassy (my mom's horse) and Diablo (other mom's horse) galloped out of control down a dirt road and into a very not busy but still driven on road. The reason I say I lived is because if I had fallen, there is a very good chance I would have broken my neck.

It was so cool.

I am so sore.

It was so cool.

 

Its true what they say, the times you feel the most alive are the times when you are come the closest to death.

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cute mermaid
Mar. 9th, 2007 @ 10:06 pm Responce not garentied to be speedy...
Comment and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. I'll tell you a song that reminds me of you.
9. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal
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cute mermaid
Mar. 8th, 2007 @ 01:11 am *twich* the... horror...
Current Mood: oh god
Oh god, my eyes!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=wpvQ9UdH0pc
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Mar. 7th, 2007 @ 01:04 am Tidbits from the daily life of drew and Sally
Current Mood: amused
"If I said there is a tub of good things, what color would the tub be?"

Me: I gotta go potty
D: Aw, you have to poo?
Me: no
D: you have to pee?
Me: yes, why do you care?
D: They take different times.

Me: Drew have you seen X?
D:
Me: Drew! Have you seen X?
D:
Me Drew!
D: Hello!

D: Are you sally?
Me:Yes
D:I'm drew
Me: good boy *pats*

Me:I'm cute
D:yes, your little. Why are you little.
Me: Because- What do you mean why am I little!?

That sums it up. These are tidbits of actal conversations. None of this is a fabirication.

Ah living.
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cute mermaid
Mar. 6th, 2007 @ 11:26 pm Yay update!
Current Mood: content
I am happy.
Sometimes I'm not though.
But I'm happy.
I like to sing.
I hope I'm good at it.
I like solitude.
Sometimes I get lonely though.
I love drewzze.
Sometimes I love him more.
*dances*
I like pritty things
And sparkly things!

I've heard from various places (or maybe I've just come to beleive) that when one is happy and peaceful, there is not any reason to try to change. We work to either gain happiness, or maintain it. I try to find meaning only if its conveinient. I am motivated only when it concernes my state of being, I don't like something only if it is a potential thret to my well being, I take action against it only if not taking action would be a greater hassle. I try to do well (and succed) in school only because being stupid and dropping our would be alot more truoble. I think because its more exciting then being stupid. And it would injure my pride, which would make me unhappy. I tell the truth because lieing has to mayny risks, or if I do lie, I make sure it will never be found out. If there is even a slightly marinal chance, I forgo.

Everything is black and white. Every choice to be made is black and white. The choices that don't seem that way because they are simply a massive complex of black and white parts. After all, the color grey is a composite of different black parts and different white parts that are just blended together by your eye. Any desition can be broken down into a searies of black and white subdecitions which can be sucesfully navigated by determinig which is better for me.

This is my creed
and I am happy.
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cute mermaid
Jan. 18th, 2007 @ 10:05 am Update Update
Current Mood: I like flowers
So Spamalot was exciting. Monty Python meets brodway. It was interesting.

So drew is finally at NU. What a waist of money on my dorm...

I have decided that I really like calculus. It makes sence, its relatively easy to understand, and the only mistakes are stupid and I don't feel like I failed completly because I made them. Their almost comical.

I've decided I really am a good writer. I want my useless college writing class to have everything graded because that way I can get more A's. A's are a very very good thing.

I have my first programming class. Its kind of cool. Mostly because of what I'm doing with it. I get to do things like calculate the speed of sound with a transducer, or whatever it is I'm doing tomorrow.

I got some rice cakes with bean paste. They are so yummy. I could just eat them forever, except I cant because after four of the smaller ones or three of the bigger ones if you eat anymore you get really nausious. Its not cool.

If any of you have ever read a something by a guy names percy, it makes you wanna punch something.
Its like if someone gives you an orange and then puts thick gloves on your hands.

I like anime.

Drew's PS3 is okay. Exept that you can only play so much resistence. After a while, you just wanna see something else on the screen. I like Zelda, but other than that, I don't see any really awsome games coming out in the future. I can't beleive japan is so retarded. DMC4 and FFXIII are already out in japan. Yes, they are, but they are not coming out here untill march, or june in the case of DMC. Fuck Sony.

Well, thats it for now. I'm a little philosophisied out because I had to explane to my class how socrates teaches and why percy is an intentional hypocrite, and why the educational system is not the root of all evil, lazy students are. BLAH BLAH BLAH is a good summery.

I though about calling kim, but I realized I have no idea what her boston number is. I saw her over vacation and she said, "gimmi a call when you get to boston" and I did not realize till later I had no clue what her number was. Tis life.

All of life is just a dream, splended at times, nighmarish at others, but in the end its just a dream.
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cute mermaid
Dec. 4th, 2006 @ 01:41 am Yay chorus! (Just had my concert saterday)
Current Mood: lalalalala!
Current Music: Mozart Vespers
One-Liners
Q: What's the dictionary definition of "tenor"?
A: Any baritone who joins a choir that doesn't already have enough tenors.

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them. One to change the bulb, and the rest to complain about how high it is.


Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. She holds it up, and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They can't, because "It's too high!"

Q: How many basses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They think it's more macho to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Q: How many choral conductors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: No one knows....no one's looking!
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Nov. 2nd, 2006 @ 03:20 am Mirror Mirror
I wonder what will happen if I stop reflecting.
I bet it will be hard. And I bet I'll like it. A lot. I also bet some people won't like me.

But thats okay. Because they people who do won't be mirrors. Asuming they exsist.

I really hope drew dosn't reflect.
heh. That would make sence.

Mirror mirror on the wall, I'm the farest of them all. So what do I need you for?

Please. Just let all the excuses become real. And make those real reasons your hinding from go away. Just let it happen.

The happiness of those who beleive. I already know the answer, so I better just beleive in it.
About this Entry
cute mermaid
Nov. 2nd, 2006 @ 03:08 am I beleive in Fate. I don't beleive in knowing it.
Current Location: My body.
Current Mood: To busy feeling it
Current Music: main menu of Spiral
I want to be sad. I want to feel pain that tries to tear apart my every particle. And I'm not a masachist. I'm a little selfish, or maybe I'm etirely selfish, and I'm trying to help everyone around me. I want them all to be as selfish as me, and I want to beat it into them. I want to feel pain, because I feel pain every time I look in the mirror and my hair's not perfect, and everytime I see someone shut the dorr behind them and I'm alone in a room. I feel pain whever drew proves me wrong. I feel pain whever I am wrong. I feel pain whenever I prove someone wrong, because it means, someday, they will try to make me wrong, just as I made them wrong because someone once made me wrong

I want every one to tell me I suck, and I'm ugly, and a selfish bitch who knows nothing of pain. But more, I want them to tell me I do, and I want to see pity in their eyes, I want to see pity because I know what they feel isn't pity for me, its pity for themselves. I know that, because thats what I feel when I feel pity. There is nothing but self pity, and I want it and I hate that want. I want to burn it out of my soul. So I want to feel pain, I want to feel it so bad I want to die.

And after that, I wanna get over it. I wanna get over it more then anything else in the world.

And then, I want to be happy. To feel Happy and to remind me why I want to feel pain.

I will never hide from pain. I won't let it kill me either.

I don't care one wit about anyone else. But I want them to be happy. I want everyone to be happy, and to be intelegent, and capable, and correct. I want them to be that way, because thats the way I want to be. I want to look into the street and see myself reflected a thousand times over, because that is what I expect to see. So when I see someone stupid, I feel the same pain as when I look into the mirror on a bad hair day or when my makup makes shadows under my eyes. I feel self pity, self loathing, whatever the fuck you wanna call it.

I wanna be right. I wanna be right because I know I'm right. If I can only belive that I know I'm right, I know I will be.

If I can only beleive in myself. Not some fucking god. Or some fucking nirvana. My. Self.

And thats the the selfish bitch I am.

So, do me a favor, and get over it. Get over it so I can get over it. Especially if its me that reads this, because secretly I know I'm the only one who would still read this far. And I hate that too. I want everyone too look at me and know me and tell me I'm right because I beleive them, I beleive them because I have only known them. Because they are nothing but the reflections of myself.

I don't know they all exsist. They probably do. But I don't know that they do. All I know is what I see in them, and what I see is myself, because I am just a selfish whore. I'm a whore because I want to sell myself to their room full of mirrors.

You wanna know why I wrote on my mirror? I felt like it. You want to know why I'm never going to erase it? I want to remind myself its nothing but a reflection, and sitting alone in a dark room, I'm still there, with or without that goddam mirror.

You know what I should do? I should take something sharp and rake it across my face. But how retarded would that be? That would make me a masachist.

You want to know why I want to be alone? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will lose myself in all the mirrirs I see around me. I don't want them to be mirrors, but because I am so alone, I cannot fool myself into beleiving I care about someone else for their sake. I only care about me. I only care about me.

But I know thats okay. I just have to beleive it.

There I go, being compeltly circular. or just ciclic.

Well, I just want to suck, I want to be so unhappy that I can't fall asleep. And then, I'll fall asleep. I always do.

I guess I'll just have to react. React to what is going on around me, because I am me, and whether I'm looking in the mirror or sitting alone in my room with the lights out, or in a class romm full of people, or even pretenting to be social, I'm still me.

I guess I'll have to look through the looking glass. Nah, stupid reference.

Stop looking in the mirror. Whenever I look in the mirrir, all I can do is refect. I twist my face into the best angle, I apply makup to make it more perfect. I rather like it. But I cant stand their all day. And besides, everyone likes a pritty picture, so, why shouldn't I be pritty, so everyone will like me.

Maybe if everyone likes me, they will stop hurting me.

Thats the thing I've been thinking about all of my life. Maybe they'll stop rejecting me. I am such a fool. They wont stop rejecting me untill they stop rejecting themselves. And if we're both just mirrors, mirrors who reflect the same self rejection, I will never be accepted. So fuck them.

So, When I look in the mirror, I want to look pritty so that when I look in the mirror I see a pritty picture and I can like it. And When I see a person, I will not look at the mirror, I will just see a person, over their. If I need them for something, I'll play their game. If I don't I'll just walk by. Eventually.

Maybe I should just never go out again.

Nah. Then I would'nt get to feel pain. And then I wouldn't get over it.
"When you fall, its best to fall strait to the bottom. Because the farther you have to climb back up, the stronger you be as a result."

I already knew the answer. I just needed to beleive it.

Fuck Science. Hard and Fast.
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